121. Human
- L Rshaw
- Jun 8, 2020
- 9 min read
Updated: Feb 21, 2022
"Imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. This must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it"
--- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (Apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; 1940 - Present)
It would be presumptuous to assume that everybody likes everybody they meet. Everybody has people they like and don't like, whether they admit it or not. And everybody has weaknesses as well as strengths. We run the risk of hypocrisy accusing others of being nothing more than their worse characteristics. Everybody has room for improvement. And we would do well to be a little more patient and merciful to people, acknowledging that we ourselves could benefit from patience and mercy. We're all just trying to do the best we can day by day.
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SHORT-LIVED
Elder De León and I were having so much fun together in Bugamblias. I loved every day of it and we were making good progress too. It lasted all of about three weeks before he was transferred. Half a transfer! I couldn’t believe it and I understood it even less. Seriously?! I was getting my seventeenth companion?! To be honest, it felt like a punishment. For those of you who don’t know, transfers traditionally come around every 6 weeks, and there are only sixteen transfers in a full-time two-year mission! I already had far more companions than the average missionary. Considering some missionaries are companions for months on end, I now averaged more than one companion per transfer which is remarkably uncommon. I didn’t know if Elder De León would be my last companion but I hadn't expected to make it a mere half of a transfer with him!
To this day, I don’t know for sure why I was given a new companion after only arriving in Bugambilias three weeks earlier myself. Perhaps it was because around this time, Elders like myself and others who arrived around the same time in September 2014 were getting “up there” in seniority. "Retiring" Zone Leaders were getting replaced with new ones. District Leaders too. There was a surge of urgency to prepare the next generation of leadership before we all went home and to do that many of these former missionary leaders “stepped down” so to speak (See "Mission Administration"). After all, the time of my arrival to the Reynosa, Mexico Mission through the rest of 2014 was the greatest influx of missionaries that the Mission had ever had. With our departure, there would be a quick decrease in the number of missionaries left considering the slow influx up to that time. As a parting gift, Elder De León gave me a plastic tiger figurine that he kept on his desk. On the bottom, he wrote in marker “No es un león pero es De León: Para Roberto-Shaw”, which means, “It’s not a lion but it’s ‘of the Lion’: For Robertshaw”. A clever play on words. He didn't have to get me anything but he did. He was more than a companion. In 3 short weeks, he'd become one of my best friends.
A NEW OLD COMPANION
Forgive a little negativity but I'm letting myself be vulnerable here by telling you how I felt at that time. Our stigmatized society tries to suppress men's emotions so excuse me for letting off some steam, not because I now feel anger for anyone, because I don't, but because I have to be honest about how I felt at the time and why, in hopes of helping you avoid such pitfalls of depression and reassuring you that if I can get through them, then you can too. We look back so that we can move forward, learning from our mistakes and remembering that who we used to be isn't who we are tomorrow. Knowing the bitter helps us to appreciate the sweet, and so, there must be an opposition in all things.
I remained a co-District Leader but not only was I losing my friend prematurely, but I was admittedly incredulous and upset to discover my new companion-to-be was Elder Z, companion number 17 in about 20 months. This was the second time we'd be companions since we were companions back in my early days in Rio Bravo (See "Onwards!"). I can’t say I particularly enjoyed it then and I definitely didn’t like it when he was my Zone Leader in San José. In all honestly, he struck fear into my heart! He felt like my micromanaging eye over my should, 1984 Big Brother, who was always stressed out and rarely optimistic. He was never satisfied. Success had to come quickly, or not at all. He didn't have the kind of patience for that. What we needed was to compromise so that both our emotional needs were met, but that was difficult to do.
Suddenly, despite being a handful of months away before we'd be going home, it couldn't go fast enough. Things with Elder Z. seemed stretched out as if the sun itself lingered for 48 hours at a time instead of 24. I myself felt like butter scraped over too much bread. I longed for sweet release and came close to asking for it.
We never established a balance between us and the work. He was decisive on getting in and out as quickly as possible, always running on to the next house, never really getting to know anyone; some of our contacts only lasted a minute or two before he excused us to leave. I guess I like getting to know people. That's the Psychologist in me but I also think that's what Christ would do. He liked to keep things professional. He would almost always complain that he did everything, claiming that I lacked boldness or initiative, but whenever I tried to step up and give it an extra 50%, he was unsatisfied just the same. I think he mistook my meekness for weakness because he was piercingly bold and I was gentle. It was like I was the good cop and he was the bad cop. In his obsession to change me, he failed to understand where I was coming from, the experiences I'd had thus far and the challenges I'd overcome, the successes I'd had and the strengths I brought to the table in my vast experience of companions. Just like it is in the repentance process, we can't force anybody to change. We can only love them and set the example for them, and not just see what they lack but acknowledge the good in them. (See "Repentance" and "Lord, Is It I?")
Unlike Elder De León who was extremely open to my questions, suggestions, and collaboration, Elder Z. disliked me asking for his two cents. He misunderstood that my questions were in part, me making small talk, as well as thinking out loud and not so much asking for permission or lacking initiative. I just wanted to be on the same page.
RELATIONSHIP INSIGHTS
Communication is key and in the past, I'd struggled with companions for not vocalizing what I was thinking. For the generally reserved person as I was, you would think that anything out of my mouth would be encouraged. I don't know if there's such as thing as "too much" communication, but there is such a thing as "too little" communication. The next time you have a conversation, I encourage you to take a step back and listen to what the other person has to say and let their voice be heard, even if you disagree. Thank them for their honest thoughts and feelings, and consider yourself grateful that they trusted you enough to be able to say what was on their mind.
Both of us were nearing the end of our missions but his anxiety, and I say this as a legitimate crippling mental disorder, manifested itself in getting as many baptisms as possible before time ran out (which isn't a bad thing) while mine was trying to touch as many lives as possible, even if only in small ways of kindness, and letting myself be happy regardless of the outcome. I sympathize with you who have anxiety or depression, I've been there myself many times, and I want you to know that you can find happiness in the small things as well as the big things. Your success is not measured by how much you get done, but by the act itself of getting out of bed and taking things one day at a time. If someone reaches out to you for help, don't assume the role of the all-knowing solution manual, just be present and compassionate and be someone who listens (See "Listen"). As followers of Jesus Christ, we need to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort (Mos. 18:8-9). Mental Health is something that affects us all and as a human family, Heavenly Father's family, we need to do a better job at addressing it with the seriousness and sensitivity that it deserves.
You can find a great mental health resource of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints here.
I wish things with Elder Z. wouldn't have been the way it was. It wasn't either of our intentions, but arguments arise from incompatibility sometimes. But just because two people disagree sometimes doesn't necessarily mean the one is a good person and that the other is a bad person. We can do better than villainizing everyone who doesn't do things our way. We need to do better at seeing people as Heavenly Father sees them. Even though I wish the quality of our time had been better, we were still able to baptize a number of people for which I am grateful. That was our compromise and shared victory for the Lord's team. (See "Team Player")
I want to refer you back to my companionship advice I shared in "You've Been Served". I also invite you to go back and read my post, "Lord, Is it I?". Both those, and this blog post apply to not only missionary work, but to our everyday relationships. There is something to be gained from being with diverse companions, coworkers, roommates, etc. Before blaming someone else, walk a mile in their shoes and try to see things from their perspective. You might discover that you have more in common or that you're the one in the wrong. We all get things wrong from time to time.
Even when the going gets tough, I can sympathize with you and I know the Lord is mindful of your efforts and desire to do your best and be your best. There's always something we can learn from our times of hardship if only to perfect our faith and patience.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Twelve Apostles reminds us, "Imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. This must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it." If Heavenly Father can do it, then so can we. We have flaws and make mistakes. We're only human after all. But our mistakes do not take us out of Heavenly Father's love. Before you are too quick to execute unrighteous judgment on somebody, heed the words of the merciful Christ, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone" (John 8:1-11). It is not becoming of us to judge one another. When we stand before the Savior on the Day of Judgment, and we are pleading for forgiveness and mercy, I hope we've taken to heart what the Atonement of Jesus Christ represents. (See "Great Sacrifice")
I close with Elder Holland's words which he gave at a BYU devotional in 2009:
"When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal. Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!
Well, guess what? That is probably going to result in some ugly morsel being dug up out of your landfill with the reply, “Yeah, I remember it. Do you remember this?” Splat.
And soon enough everyone comes out of that exchange dirty and muddy and unhappy and hurt, when what God, our Father in Heaven, pleads for is cleanliness and kindness and happiness and healing...Perhaps at this beginning of a new year there is no greater requirement for us than to do as the Lord Himself said He does: “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more” (D&C 58:42)."
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