"Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you"
--- John C. Maxwell (American author, speaker & pastor; 1947 - Present)
You don't need me to tell you that life is a series of choices. Every second of every day is a choice. Even the best of us make poor ones occasionally. The trick is to make more good choices than bad ones. Perhaps even the best choices include repenting of and correcting those bad ones. Sometimes, it isn't even a question of good or bad. Many of the choices we make are inconsequential. It seems clear to me that the only way to live is by being decisive.
**NOTE: If you wish to get in contact with missionaries of the Church to learn more, you can do so at https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/requests/missionary-visit
Also NOTE: As I share my feelings in this story, please be merciful. You only know a little grain of everything I was going through. If you know me, I'm a slow-to-anger and long-suffering person. The Mission pushes all limits physical as well as emotional and mental. I'm only human. These are my feelings at that moment and do not necessarily reflect on anybody in the present day. We all have bad days but that doesn't go to speak of things now.
A reason behind this blog post is to set up the context for my next blog post.
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ELDER Q.
My time in a trio didn't last forever, only about six weeks (See "Three's a Crowd"). As transfers were coming along I was promised to be assigned another missionary companion. I included in my daily prayers, “Lord, I’ve had some hard companions and responsibilities so far. Please send me the hardest working companion to serve with me. Give me the best.”
The time came. Elder Brogan, Elder Urias, and I huddled together excitedly on the evening that Elder Brogan received the news over the phone from the Zone Leaders. I was told that Elder Q. would be my new companion --- companion number 12. I couldn’t believe it! This was the guy who I was praying on behalf of?! I’d only met Elder Q. once when we went to the hospital with Elder Scott and Elder Fortaleza less than 3 months earlier (See "On the Third Day"). Never would I have imagined I'd eventually be his companion! Little would I have guessed that day that each of the three guys in Hermana Morales’ car would at some time be my companions? I had my work cut out for me as I had never yet known.
Elder Brogan left the Riveras area, but staying in the city was moved to the Ribereña Area, and Elder Urias, who stayed, got assigned to be companions with Elder Gray. Elder Gray had the same amount of time as us in the Mission (arrived on the same day as Elder Brogan and I) and had developed crisp perfect Spanish. He was a cool dude, definitely one of those surfer types who went to concerts in High School. I'm not profiling; he actually had picture proof. His confidence was admirable, but he was a colorful character. He and Elder Q. joined us in Riveras on Tuesday, September 29, 2015.
Furthermore, another major change occurred in the Mission at this time. There was a new Zone created (See "Mission Administration"). That new Zone just happened to be the "Riveras Zone" which included all of us and our 2 new Zone Leaders, Elder Turner and Elder Ward. I don't know where they lived but I know that they were part of our Ward and often had lunch with the other 4 of us. When we'd go to Obispo Flores' house on Sundays, they'd come too. That means that instead of 4 missionaries in the Riveras Ward, suddenly there were 6 of us. So they were assuredly in our Area, but I don't know where home was for them.
Elder Q. had a good heart but social and mental challenges to work on. At this point, Elder Q. was about five months into his mission and still struggled greatly to learn Spanish. It was new for me to be forced to take the initiative in EVERYTHING when I was so used to having "an equal" so to speak, even when I was a trainer (See "Trainee to Trainer"). I did my best to help but the teacher can't do the student's homework for them. He lacked motivation and took advantage of me as an American by speaking in English most of the day rather than picking up the target language, Spanish. I was guilty of the same thing with Elder Scott but we had nearly a year of immersion in the country, experience, and practice in our belts. Elder Q. didn't know Spanish. As a matter of fact, he confessed his preference for learning Japanese over Spanish, not that he knew any Japanese. If his desire to learn Spanish, a necessary skill, had been greater, he would have learned faster, but instead, his progress took longer than usual to take off.
He understood very little but I think everyone understood him even less. He tried to speak in broken Spanish on rare occasions but never could find the words to express his intended thoughts and didn’t really listen to my constructive Spanish advice. For some reason, he constantly prided himself on having a deep voice. Firstly, I don't know why he'd randomly bring it up in near-daily conversation. And secondly, I don’t understand why of all things to be proud of, his voice was at the top of his list. It wasn't even as deep as he believed it to be. I've heard deeper. But his forced bass made him even harder to understand since it just sounded like mumbles and slurs. No enunciation. There was no singing in the streets (See "Sing!"). Not much laughter. He'd lose his temper several times a day. Sometimes he'd throw tantrums. I could go on. What a contrast to all my past companions!
He was interesting indeed. He was both emotional and emotionless. He was very serious at times like a brick and other times he couldn’t take the work seriously. I often felt like he was in some dream state, usually a fantastical board game realm.
When I asked his opinion on where to go, he wouldn’t so much as say a single word or move one foot in front of the other. He’d look around with a dazed look, no sound, no expression, and never decide. Eternally frozen like an object at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. We would have been stuck in the middle of an intersection all day if I didn't make the turn for him.
I did my best to include him in the work (since he wouldn’t learn if I did everything for him) but at the same time, he wouldn't do anything on his own. He tailed behind me (literally) everywhere I went like a slow heavy blanket dragged on the floor, regardless of how fast or slow I went; the slower I went, all the slower he'd go just to stay behind me at all cost. Other times he would walk so far in front of me and so hastily down the street, it felt like he was running away from me like he was angry at me. I'd have to yell just for him to come back. Even if he didn’t take the “lead”, I would have liked to have him alongside me, both literally and figuratively. It wasn't the Spanish that made things extra hard— it was the lack of communication. It felt like I was talking to a robot at times, awaiting input before performing any function of its own. I wish he would have talked to me more and just walked next to me more. I felt like a babysitter rather than a friend no matter what I did to try to reach him and get on his level.
DOERS
There was an old talk given by John H. Groberg I'd first heard on the Mission given at BYU in 1979 entitled, "What is Your Mission?". In part, he talks about the time he was tossed overboard during a storm on his Mission in Tonga. He explains what should seem obvious, how he had no choice but to start swimming. He didn’t think about swimming. He just did. It was literally sink or swim. Sometimes life’s decisions are like that. When we are uncertain of what to do, especially given the choice between two equally good options, sometimes the important thing to do is just to do something. Anything.
Thinking over decisions is important so we can make correct choices but life can be over-complicated by people who only discuss what could be, wasting time that could be used making ideas come to fruition. The only way things get done in life is by doing them.
WAITING FOR DIRECTION
I tried to ease the already easy decision Elder Q. wouldn't make, “We'll go both ways. We will do the one street first and then the other, but where should we start?”. We stood at that fork in the road silently for at least fifteen minutes. I waited as patiently as I could but when I couldn't read the room, I asked him to verbalize what was going on in his mind. To use his words. To communicate with me. To get me on the same page as him. He explained that he didn’t feel any particular prompting favoring one direction or the other and that's why he decided not to move.
How many of us are guilty of wanting God to tell us everything to do? How many of us won't take that leap of faith? Even if someone pushed us to take that leap, it wouldn't be in faith. Idleness is not a Godly attribute (See "Attributes of Christ"). Faith without works is dead (James 2:17-18). But how do we exercise faith in Jesus Christ? Having the Lord make every single one of our decisions for us is not faith. It's idleness. The restored gospel of Jesus Christ is a roadmap that keeps us on the covenant path, and the commandments are laid before us, but outside of those commandments, God will not compel us in all things every second of every day. Many things, he leaves up to us, to have faith yes, but that we may be the makers of our own destiny.
God cannot steer a parked car. We need to be proactive, take the initiative, and assume responsibility for our lives. The Lord revealed to Joseph Smith the pattern for seeking the Lord’s will (See "Joseph Smith: A Name Had For Good and Evil" and "Doctrine and Covenants"):
“Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me…Study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right. And if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought...” (D&C 9:7-9)
It is clear that God expects us to make our own decisions before asking if it's the right one. If it is right, He will allow us to continue. If it’s wrong, He will warn us. He wants us to use our minds as well as our hearts.
When Israel was in the wilderness, shortly after Moses, the next in charge Joshua commanded the people to cross the Jordan River; a story I briefly mentioned with J. and T (See "Hermanas de las Chamoyadas"). The Jordan River is the lowest river on Earth at 1312 feet (400 meters) below sea level. This was the same river that Jesus Christ was to be baptized in thousands of years later. To cross it, the Lord commanded Joshua to have the priests bearing the ark of the covenant to “Stand still in the water”. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I were transporting the heavy vessel across the enormous river I may have wondered what the next step would be. The ark was large, had a heavy lid (called the mercy seat), and was filled with objects such as the stone ten commandments. Nevertheless, the priests were obedient to the direction, risked carrying the sacred ark into the dirty river (which was their most precious possession both spiritually and materially), and got their feet wet. I don’t know how far they got in the water. Maybe the river came up to their ankles. Maybe up to their waist. Who knows? But they had faith and moved forward, and:
“The waters which came down from above stood and rose up upon a heap…even the salt sea, failed, and [was] cut off: and the people passed over right against Jericho. And the priests that bare the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the midst of Jordan, and all the Israelites passed over on dry ground, until all the people were passed clean over Jordan.” (Josh. 3:15-17)
They could have waited on the shore as long as they wanted and nothing would have happened. It was only after acting in faith were they able to get from A to B. The Lord gave them a fragment of instruction. He didn’t say how it would happen. But all they knew was that by doing their part, the Lord would do His. Most revelation is this way. We receive here a little, and there a little at a time. Precept upon precept. If we waited for all to be revealed before acting, we wouldn't need to have faith.
When the Lord is made a part of our decision-making, He will counsel, but in the end, we are the ones to have the last say. If we wait for the Lord to direct in all things, we are not carrying our portion of the Yoke of Christ. God expects us to act for ourselves and not to be objects to be acted upon (2 Nephi 2:26). That’s why he gave us our brains! That’s why we have agency --- our freedom to choose! (See "Return of the King -- Part 1"). For as valuable and essential as our agency is to our mortal experience, we need to understand how to use it well, but to use it nonetheless.
THE DILEMMA
At length, I decided for Elder Q. and we went in one direction. Then we went the other way. In the end, we did both. Just as I'd suggested. Elder Q. could have done the exact same thing which would have had the exact same result so the whole choice wasn’t particularly critical but I had hoped to include him in the decision process. To act and not be acted on by me. To not just follow but to lead once and to have an equal say in the matter as me. Honestly, I hate bossing people around but some people prefer to hide from responsibility. You can't run from responsibility forever, especially if it's a responsibility you voluntarily signed up to fulfill for two years.
As Senior Companion, I got the brunt of criticism from my District leaders (See "Mission Administration"). It never seemed to improve. One night, in particular, they reprimanded me for not letting him do more, but as I’ve explained, I did try to have him do more but he just didn’t do it. When I asked Elder Q. to give the report to them every other night (A 50-50 shared responsibility between us), something easy to do, especially when our District leader was an English-Speaking American too, I was reprimanded for not just doing it myself. He complained that Elder Q. took too long and that I should do it every night (which wasn’t fair). I am not entirely sure what thorn twisted his side to reprimand me since that was how things worked in the Mission as far as taking turns reporting went for everybody. It was a paradox. They complained when I gave him too little responsibility. They complained when I gave him too much responsibility.
After all, Elder Q. was 5 months in, he wasn't exactly new anymore, and unless he was given more responsibilty after half a year, even if he stumbled occasionally and unless he was allowed to make mistakes as he tried harder, he never would have progressed both individually and as a companion. There was not a lot of balance to be had and I felt like a tool to their means. Their reprimands were unwarranted and useless. I was unhappy with everything and felt like we were not having progress finding or teaching or simply living together. “I [felt] thin…sort of stretched. Like butter scraped over too much bread.”
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