93. Listen
- L Rshaw
- Feb 6, 2020
- 6 min read
Updated: Jan 20, 2022
"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say"
--- Bryant H. McGill (American poet, prose author, speaker, & activist; 1969 - Present)
As I share this extremely vulnerable moment, I ask that you take into account everything I shared with you in my last blog post, "Choices", as this one picks up where it left off.
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HOPE IS KINDLED
This unsuccessful pattern continued for some time. Elder Turner who was then serving as my Zone Leader (and had the same amount of time on the Mission as me) came on intercambios with me for the day on Thursday, October 15, 2015 (See "Intercambios"). His companion at the time was Elder Ward. I assume they wanted to check in on how we were working together and what wasn’t working since our reports were less than optimal. Elder Turner was a very upbeat guy from California, musically gifted, and truly cared about people.
At the end of intercambios it's customary to go over what was done well and to offer mutual suggestions for areas of improvement. This was always done one-on-one in private. Elder Turner and I went into my bedroom and closed the door.
First, he asked me to demonstrate how I would start a conversation with someone I'd just met; I never did like practicing even though I know how useful it is so that alone made me more nervous. I was so nervous and overwhelmed with my stress at once again being critiqued on my performance that I couldn’t for the life of me get anything out. I stammered trying to explain that starting conversations were not the cause of my struggles. I completely broke down into tears, physically trembling, and outright told Elder Turner how I felt like a failure and was useless as a companion. I felt like nothing I was doing was helping Elder Q. at all. I explained how I was getting mixed messages from the District Leaders. I explained how alone I felt like everyone was against me and I had no one to talk to. All the dark feelings spilled out like a broken bottle. I told Elder Turner how I wanted a new companion and how I didn’t understand why my whole Mission had been so trying when everybody else's seemed so joyful. I felt like all the other missionaries were having more success and more spiritual experiences than I was. I was jealous and felt like I was stuck in a time loop. I felt like I was in a pit of criticism from my District Leaders, daily disappointment in myself, physical exhaustion, and emotional isolation.
The whole time I was in tears and I don't cry easily. Elder Turner just looked at me sympathetically and listened. He listened! He came down to my level— from “boss” (so to speak) to fellow missionary who was far from home, family, and friends. He waited patiently and sympathetically for me to say everything that I wanted to which took a while. Only then did Elder Turner take his turn talking. He was very understanding. He didn’t say that I was wrong or to get over myself and get back to work. That definitely would have made it worse if he would have minimized how I felt. He told me exactly what I needed to hear. As one of my leaders, he told me that he knew it was hard having Elder Q. as a companion but suggested that having him was a sign of confidence from our Mission President. That was something I’d never thought of before. He commended me for the patience I had with Elder Q., which he already knew wasn't easy to do, despite some bumps and bruises and how much that must have meant to him (And let me tell you, Elder Q. wasn't the kind to thank me for my patience or anything I did). He asked me to consider all the other missionaries who wouldn’t have had the patience to work with Elder Q. and despite difficulties be able to get work done as we had. To be fair, Elder Q. and I did have a handful of baptisms during our time together.
I don’t remember all that was said but we were in that bedroom for over an hour; far longer than we had planned. I'm sure the others were wondering what was taking us so long since we were probably 4 or 5 times longer than usual. Oh, how grateful I was for the Lord sending Elder Turner when I most needed him! I’m grateful that he was willing to listen and see things as I see them. I am grateful that he spoke to me as a friend and not just my superior, not just because he had to talk with me, but because I needed him to.
Even now, comparing all the hardships I have shared and will share from my time in Mexico, that time with Elder Q. was my lowest emotional point. And if you've read any of my previous stories, you'll sympathize that I'd been through a lot, the most recent of which was losing my friend Elder Scott just before getting Elder Q. What I had to put up with on a daily basis was almost the straw that broke the camel's back after the camel had already been through hell and had to carry on his back what you would need two camels for.
I was at my breaking point. I seriously considered giving up and asking to be sent home early because nothing I did seemed right or good enough and I was miserable every day, going to bed feeling like I'd blown another day on the ticking calendar. I was so sure I would ask to be sent home before the month was over. I felt like I reaped no fruit and that I wasn't what was needed. Furthermore, I felt like I was wasting my time. At the time, going home seemed like a win-win option.
But now I believe that the strongest trees are the ones that learn to bend and stay strong amidst strong winds. Like muscles, a tree adapts itself to hostile weather by growing deeper roots and stronger trunks as opposed to trees that don’t have a need to adapt. It was hard but I know that I am all the stronger because of it. My trial was for but a small moment.
After our talk together, things did improve enough to where I decided against going home. The grip of the District Leaders over me was noticeably looser almost immediately (thanks to Elder Turner). I could breathe, and not stress out about a near-guaranteed reprimand before bed every night. From then on, they went easier on me and actually praised me for my efforts regardless of what the numbers or otherwise were. So long as we did everything we could, that's what mattered. That's exactly why I generally hated using numbers as our metric of success in the Mission because when we care about numbers more than people or their feelings or the things that can't be measured mathematically like the spirit, we lose sight of what the Lord would have cared about most and the things that did the most for our testimonies and growth.
I hugged Elder Turner tightly at our Mission reunion (See "A Small World"). I doubt he completely understands the saving influence he had on me that day. I am almost certain that were it not for Elder Turner, I would not have seen my Mission to the end. I wouldn’t have survived another week. Everything after this --- blog post 93 --- never would have happened. The people I met and baptized, never would have happened. The lessons would have been for naught. I would have gone home angry, bitter, unfulfilled, and then full of regret. He did something so simple but something that nobody was doing for me at the time— listening patiently. By small and simple things do great things come to pass. Because one person took the time to listen and lift, I got to have another year of Mission experiences and miracles that never would have happened otherwise. I was rescued just in time.
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